Any parent can tell you, one of the hardest parts of being a parent is having to discipline your child when they sin. As parents we always want to believe the best about our children. We think things like, other kids might do that, but my little sweet angel would never. And as much as we want to believe that, we know it isn’t true. We all have a natural tendency toward sin. It is the result of Adam and Eve choosing to disobey God in the Garden of Eden, and Adam passing that nature down to the rest of humanity as we see in Romans 5:12, “As sin entered the world through one man, and death by sin. So death passed to all men, for all have sinned.” The reality is none of us are above committing the most heinous of crimes. For parents, it is how we deal with our children in these times that they disappoint us that can set them up for either success of failure in the future. So how does the Bible teach us to discipline our children when they sin?
- We must discipline them. I’m going to start here, because many parents think the most loving thing they can do for their child is to let their wrong behavior go unpunished. From the Old to the New Testament there are countless examples of God disciplining people and nations for sinful behavior. In Proverbs 3 and Hebrews 12 we read, “whom the Lord loves He chastens (disciplines).” The writer of Hebrews goes on to say that if God disciplines us when we sin, it shows that we are His child. But if we can sin and not feel discipline from God it is because we don’t belong to God. I never really understood what my parents were saying by the statement, “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” As I child my thought was, “you are lying, because I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the one getting the spanking, not you.” But as a parent of four wonderful, yet fallen children, now I get it. When Diana or I have to discipline our children because they made a poor choice and sinned, it breaks my heart. The key at least for me is to remember what Hebrews 12:11 says, “Now now discipline for the present seems to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are disciplined.” I have to discipline not only to show in the moment that what they did was wrong, but also to prepare them for the future to make better choices when their decisions will have more of an impact over their life and others.
- We must discipline out of love, not anger. As a father, I have to admit that I haven’t always followed this one like I should. My children will tell you, if you want to elicit a swift and sometimes too strong of a reaction from their father, do something in public you know you aren’t supposed to. I have to admit, I do not like being publicly embarrassed. But I will also tell you, that we have to be the adult in the situation and handle ourselves properly. Discipline is not just punitive, it is meant to be corrective. We don’t want them to simply stop a bad habit, we want them to develop good habits. Therefore, when we do discipline we need do more than just give a punitive punishment. One thing that my wife, Diana, is so good at and that I am trying to learn is to sit them down and talk to them first. Ask them the questions, do you know why you are in trouble? Do you know why it is wrong? Then whatever discipline is handed out is handed out. But then she looks them in the eye and tells them, “I forgive you and I love you, and nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you.” The way she has always explained it to me is that she wants to break the habit, not the spirit, and she wants the children to know that even when she is upset with them, her love for them doesn’t change. If you feel yourself being angry as you are going to discipline, be the adult, take a step back, take a walk, and then come back and handle the situation. If you are like me and you forget these steps, as soon as you can, go to your child and confess your sin and ask for their forgiveness. It may be hard to go to your child and admit that you messed up, but if the goal of discipline is correction and showing them the right attitude and behavior, then it is a necessary thing for us as parents to do.
- Be consistent. One of the worst things we can do as a parent, but something we are all guilty of doing is being inconsistent in our discipline. Let’s be honest, some days go better than others and so some days we are in a better mood than other days. However, that leads to frustration in our children because they don’t know what will bring discipline and what will bring laughter. Ephesians 6:4 says, “And, you fathers, do not provoke your children to anger: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” I believe Paul singles our the dads here for a couple of reasons. First, the father is often the disciplinarian in the family. Though I would argue that mom and dad need to be on the same page and both should be disciplinarians. Primarily I argue this because the phrase “just wait until your dad gets home” can sow seeds of disrespect for the mother, and make it seem like she doesn’t have an equal voice and say in the home. But it also causes many children to fear their father, become angry and resentful towards him, and not look forward to his or her father coming home. Second, I think Paul singles out us dads because we are most often guilty of being inconsistent in disciplining our children. Some days work goes well, we are happy to be home, and so we allow the kids to get away with a little bit more. Other days, our boss is a jerk, everything goes wrong, we carry work home with us, and our children can do nothing right. This is why I believe the Bible argues for us setting up boundaries early on with our children about what is right and what is wrong. In our home, and I’m not saying our way is the only way, we have our rules for our children posted on a cabinet in the kitchen. By establishing boundaries, you are setting rules and expectations for the children. You are also taking the subjectiveness of your mood as a parent out of it. If there is a violation of the expectations and rules, then discipline is a must. But if they aren’t breaking those rules or expectations, even if you are having a bad night and want to snap, it can serve as a check for your own heart and attitude. I like to put it this way, if the action would get them in trouble on a “Monday” kind of day, then it needs to get them in trouble on a “Friday” kind of day.
Disciplining our children is not fun, neither of us enjoy it, but it is necessary. If we as parents discipline properly and confess when we don’t, then we can set our children up for success in the future. More importantly, as parents we are teaching them about God and how God relates to His children. Let your children see God in you and through you. If we do this, regardless of what society says, we will have done what God has called us to do and that is a win.
Pastor Justin